Submission Receipt.

On finishing my End-of-Life Doula certification in Paris.

Today I write from a cafe in cold, grey Paris where I have just submitted my final assignment to the End-of-Life (EOL) Doula course that I began 8 weeks ago.

I arrived here early Monday morning and have been walking and eating and generally taking it very slowly—this is different from how I normally move through this city, which, until now, has been very active and very alone (necessarily!! I come here to escape the stimulation of my people-filled life!!) or getting out of the house early and not coming home until late at night, belly full, legs tired.

Today I gave myself permission to stay in bed for a long time, finish up all the Doula coursework, and go to this vegan spot where I could write and eat. I’m up in the 10th arrondissement, the neighborhood I normally stay near Canal St-Martin, but I’m in a different spot than usual. Besides the few English-speakers near me, all of whom are working quietly and occasionally ordering tea, this part of town feels devoid of tourists. It’s quieter here.

Anyway, on this cold and drizzly day, I’m proud to say that my coursework is done. It should go without saying, but my learning has been vast and meaningful. End-of-Life Doulas provide so many services for their clients, and I’ve had some time to think about what kind of work I’d like to do with any future clients. I don’t think it’ll come as a surprise when I say that I really want my work to be about storytelling and listening.

One of the projects we had to do was to interview a person as part of a Life Review. This is when, essentially, we ask our interviewee questions about what mattered during their lifetime. It’s meant to be a record of their life, but it can also be a kind of gift for their family to keep after the client has died. It’s this project that I was most excited to complete because it aligned so nicely with the work that I do with The Listening with Curiosity Project. In fact, I think this entire experience has been one that leans on the qualities I’ve nurtured through the LCP over the years: curiosity, empathy, comfort, leaning in toward discomfort, radical listening, and generally interpersonal connection and understanding. I know now that these are the central skills of an EOL doula. “Strong back, soft front,” is how I’ve heard it. I feel like I have these qualities.

(Maybe not all the time. I give myself permission for strength and softness whenever and however they manifest.)

In any case, let me tell you about last night. As I said, most of my time in Paris is spent wandering alone. Yes, I get into some small conversations here and there as I interact, but largely it’s me on my own, researching places to go and things to see (and eat.) I planned to go to two places: Mesures, a Japanese jazz kissa and cocktail bar. It’s one of a few hi-fi cocktail bars in the city, and this one was closest to my apartment. It absolutely did not disappoint. I had two cocktails, each impressive and unique (kiwi? apricot? miso? black cardamon? green pepper? Unbelievable) along with two small dishes: eggplant and mushroom consomme. I can’t tell you how happy I was, lighting low, jazz in the background.

Around the corner was another highly rated cocktail bar, Little Red Door. It’s a speakeasy of sorts. The door stays closed, someone meets you there, prepares a space for you inside, comes back to retrieve you. I showed up at roughly the same time as four others, all English-speakers, and we waited and talked for a little bit. Eventually, I was welcomed in and sat at the bar. A moment later, when I looked up from the cocktail menu, I saw the two couples were sat at the bar on either side of me.

To be honest, I’m not great at starting conversations—plus I’m just used to being on my own. But the couple to my left, from Chicago, had begun a conversation outside, and I decided to continue it after we were all seated. And once we started, we didn’t stop. I came there for a single cocktail and left with two friends.

Maybe that sounds cliche, but I don’t really care.

We got onto the topic of death and dying. They’d experienced the death of their child. Before long, there were tears. We talked about grief and love, talked about memories and memorializing our loved ones. The talk was so open and so warm, so clearly based in love. I told them that I was getting my certification to become a EOL doula and at the very end of the night when we parted ways, one told me that I was “very good at what I do.”

Now listen. Today I have finished my course work. I did all my projects and participated in discussions and did all the readings and took notes. After all my work is graded, I’ll get my a certificate. But I promise you, nothing could feel better or more real, a knowing direct in the center of my heart, than having this person who, two hours earlier had been a tall stranger, tell me this. It wasn’t about hearing praises. It was about feeling the honor of witnessing and holding another person’s grief which is, at its core, love.

Love is all we are. It’s not just all we have, but it’s all we are.

I hate to bring this to Ethan Hawke, although I will, and he’s cute and I sat next to him at a pizza place one time in Brooklyn, but he said something recently in some interview about unrequited love. He was like—and this is not a quote—“You’re the lucky one. To just keep being love? To just keep loving? The sun doesn’t stop shining because the grass doesn’t appreciate its rays.” And this made me think about grief and love together: we grieve, we love, we do them simultaneously because that is who. we. are. We cannot stop the love, we cannot stop the grief. We radiate them both. How lucky we are.

So here’s the take-away. I’d like to do this kind of Life Review project with more people. It’s never too early to do it, either. (It can only be too late.) If you know anyone who might like to sit for an interview, who might want to do this kind of project for themselves or their loved ones, please get in touch with me.

Here’s the real Ethan Hawke clip. I got the gist, but clearly maybe you wanna hear it direct from him.